The Journey Home...
There was nothing I could do to change that it seemed, no matter how hard I tried. I periodically threw away all my lovingly saved pictures (torn from catalogs), and throw away my carefully collected a stash of pretty panties (a story for another day) and would promise myself (and yes, god too) that I'd stop looking and touching and thinking about panties.
These purge cycles usually came after overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame would build up and drive me to try to will myself to become "normal" like all the rest of my friends. But it was always to no avail... after a few days or weeks or sometimes months, I'd find it impossible to resist peeking up a careless girl's skirt or would come across a lingerie ad in a newspaper or magazine, and the whole cycle of compulsions would begin again.
Where did a young boy, or later man, turn to try to understand this powerful compulsion? Sadly the answer was - almost nowhere. I have always loved to read so the local public library was one of the places I spent a good deal of time after school and on weekends. Naturally in those days (early to mid 50's) all the "sex" books were kept safely guarded by the gray haired librarians, but a clever boy like me eventually discovered there were psychology books that contained amazing information about a all things sexual.
There I discovered the name for one of my compulsions; masturbation. My mother had caught me playing with myself several times when I was in bed and would scold me and make me go to sleep with my arms outside of the blankets. I was already sure this was an activity that was deeply wrong so when I read that these psychologists seemed to consider masturbation a fairly normal thing I was a bit relieved, but now a lot more confused. Where could a boy ask someone about this stuff?
Fast forward to nineteen ninty something, when this much older, graying guy discovered there were things called chat rooms on the Internet where people could openly (but privately) talk about every conceivable kind of sexual interest - including the love of my life, panties!
Those days on-line were like a feeding frenzy for me. I could strike up open conversations with others who by clever screen names openly advertized their membership in the underground brotherhood of panty lovers! There were lots of surprises as I discovered not only how many men loved panties, but how many different ways they loved them! My eyes and world were opened wide and my compulsive stashing now included hoarding tens of thousands of panty photos on my computer hard drive.
I also gained a better understanding about this mania for panties that controlled so much of me and my life, and that eventually resulted in me accepting myself for who I am, and what I am.
The process of getting to that place was not quick, nor was it easy, for despite the enormous pleasure I derived browsing through the almost endless supply of photos and chatting with hundreds of others who shared my fetish, I found myself still searching for more - for a place where I could feel at home and talk about my life as I might with a brother or close friend who would understood and care about me the way my brothers and friends did in my other, public life.
Next time I'll describe the homecoming I finally experienced... but this is enough for now.